The Pain of Childhood: What You Need to Know About Youth Depression

Childhood should be carefree. It’s the time of life to hang out with friends, ride bikes, play games and just have fun. For today’s youth, the unfortunate truth is that behind the smiles, many young people carry a silent burden.

Studies over the past decade by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have found youth depression rates are on the rise and beginning at earlier ages than ever before. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 20% of teens will experience depression by the age of 17.

While genetics, school pressures and bullying play a part, many experts blame social media for the increasing rate of youth depression. This is especially concerning for kids aged 9-11, who are using social media to connect at a young age. A study published in May from researchers at UC San Francisco found that, on average, kids’ social media use rose from seven to 73 minutes per day over three years and their depressive symptoms went up 35%.

The fear of missing out, or FOMO, can also lead to increased social media usage, which is especially troubling near bedtime. A recent study in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence found that children who use social media within an hour of bedtime are 36% more likely to experience sleep problems compared to peers who don’t, and that poor sleep doubles the risk of developing depression in children and teens.

What we clearly know is that depression in our children is a real concern. What you might not know is what to look for and how to address concerns that may arise.

Spotting the Signs

Often, when we think of depression in adults, we picture someone who cannot get out of bed or who cries a lot. The truth is that depression looks different from person to person. “Isolation from friends and family, withdrawal from activities they once enjoyed, lack of focus in school or at home, irritability and anger are some of the ways depression manifests itself in children and teens,” says Jeanine Hoff, a behavioral health provider with kidshealth.org.

There can be physical signs as well. “Low energy, having trouble concentrating, changes in sleep patterns (difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much), changes in appetite and/or weight, and frequent physical complaints with no known medical cause, such as headaches or stomachaches, can all be signs of depression in children and teens,” says Jody Baumstein, a licensed psychotherapist with Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta.

“Families sometimes attribute the lack of focus they see to possible ADHD,” says Hoff. “That is why when kids are assessed by providers, we look at multiple aspects of the child’s overall wellbeing.”

Since signs of depression are different in each person, it is important to pay attention to patterns in your child’s behavior. “We all have ups and downs but if the symptoms are persistent, intense or impacting their functioning in some way, it’s important to take it seriously and get help,” says Baumstein.

Taking Action

You think your child is depressed. Now what? Don’t avoid the topic. Many people think that discussing depression or self-harm will put the idea in a child’s head and that simply isn’t true.

“You know your child best. If something feels off, trust your instincts,” says Baumstein. “Don’t wait for them to come to you. Start by opening up a conversation about how they’re feeling, rather than assuming. Ask them direct, open-ended questions and then actively listen to understand.”

“If your child does not feel comfortable opening up to you, they may feel more comfortable with another adult, such as an aunt or uncle, grandparent, family friend or coach,” says Hoff.

It can be hard to know your child is struggling. You may want to jump in to “fix it,” but that can leave a child feeling more alone and isolated. Instead, help them through these moments. “By staying present, listening and validating you’re letting them know that you’re there and you can handle this,” says Baumstein. “Show them you are on their side and that it’s not too big or overwhelming for you.”

Seek help from a mental health professional when you feel it is necessary. “We take our kids to the doctor when we’re concerned about a physical injury or illness, so why should their mental health be any different?” notes Baumstein.

“Often a parent will bring their child in due to anxiety concerns, and it turns out that the child instead has depression. Sometimes they have both depression and anxiety,” says Hoff. “Other times they are just stressed and don’t meet the criteria for depression. Getting them the support they need as quickly as possible will help reduce the chances of them developing depression.”

Once your child has expressed feelings of depression, always monitor for risk factors such as self-harm or suicidal thoughts and act quickly if needed. “Call or text 988 if you or a loved one are experiencing thoughts of suicide, self-harm or any mental health crisis,” says Baumstein. “Any thoughts of suicide should be taken seriously.”

The bottom line when addressing depression with your child, yourself or another loved one is to try not to be judgmental, listen openly and have honest conversations. This can reduce stigma and shame.

Show Support

If you think your child is showing signs of depression, here are some key things you can do to be supportive.

• Be involved: Attend family sessions and ask how you can support the process.
• Communicate openly: Encourage the entire family to share their thoughts and feelings regularly. “Therapy is most effective when it is a good fit. If something is not working, it’s OK to let the provider know and see what they come up with,” says Hoff. “The more open the dialogue, the more successful the therapeutic relationship will be.”
• Reinforce progress: Celebrate small victories and acknowledge improvements in ways that are meaningful to your child. “Ask your child how you can do this,” says Baumstein.
• Educate yourself: Learn about the therapy process and any relevant issues to better understand your child’s experience and know that progress can take time.
• Do things together as a family: Encourage the entire family to focus on wellness. “Make time for connection and fun, like family games or outings,” says Baumstein. “Take walks together and set screen time limits for everyone to illustrate that wellness is an important family value.”

Talk About It

The way you approach your child about your concerns can have serious repercussions. If she feels she may be punished, she is less likely to express her real feelings and ask for help. If he feels like you don’t understand, he may shut down further. Here are some tips Baumstein has for how to talk to your child when you see signs of depression.

What to Say:

• Express love and support: “I love you and am here for you no matter what.”
• Normalize and validate feelings: “It’s normal and OK to feel this way sometimes; there’s nothing wrong with you.”
• Encourage open communication: “You can talk to me about anything; I’m here to listen. Thank you for sharing.”
• Offer help: “Let’s find someone who can help us understand these feelings better.”
• Reassure them: “You’re not alone in this; we’ll face it together.”

What Not to Say:

• Dismissive remarks: “Just snap out of it.”
• Minimizing their experience: “Others have it worse; you’re overreacting.”
• Blame or criticism: “You’re just being lazy. You’re doing this to yourself.”
• Pressure to feel something else: “You should be grateful for what you have.”
• Assumptions: “I know exactly how you feel.”

If you, your partner or a sibling are experiencing depression, talk about that, too! “Teaching your child that it’s OK to not be OK can help them be more open if they ever struggle,” says Hoff. “This goes for siblings as well.”

• Be honest and developmentally appropriate: Share age-appropriate information about what depression is and how it affects people.
• Encourage questions: Allow siblings to ask questions and express their own feelings.
• Promote empathy: Teach siblings to be understanding and supportive, emphasizing kindness and patience.
• Reassure them: Let siblings know that depression is treatable and it’s nobody’s fault.
• Maintain normalcy: Keep routines as regular as possible to provide stability for the entire household.

-Tali Benjamin