It’s a Stressful World: Coping Skills for Parents and Kids

Everyone feels stress. It’s a natural part of life that pops up on a regular basis. For parents, between work and kids and activities and the list goes on, sometimes stress can feel overwhelming. We need to remember that being a child is hard, too. Kids experience stress, even from a young age they just don’t have a name for it.

April is Stress Management Month. Take some time to understand more about stress and how you can decrease it in your household.

Stress is defined as a state of mental or emotional tension resulting from demanding circumstances. It is a natural human response that prompts us to address challenges and threats in our lives.

Personal Perspectives

Stress, like so many other things in life, is relative. “The phase of parenting that is most stressful is based on your circumstance and experience,” says Jody Baumstein, LCSW and Health Promotion Manager at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. “For some, the newborn phase is the worst because you get very little sleep. For others, toddlers are more challenging because you are setting limits for the first time.”

It’s important to note that this perspective can and will change. Outside stressors such as jobs, finances and relationships play into the equation as well. “When you layer these factors onto parenting, a phase of life can seem more stressful and not be related to the child at all,” says Baumstein. “Name the stressor, so you can deal with it.”

Judging yourself doesn’t make the stress go away. “Often, we feel ashamed for being stressed,” says Baumstein. “Stress is not a failure. Think of it as a clue of what might be not quite right.” She recommends asking yourself questions – Are my expectations realistic? Has a boundary been crossed? Am I overcommitted? – to help find the source of the stress.

Working Together

When it comes to being a family, practicing give and take with your partner and your child can help everyone better manage and limit stress. “We forget that kids are learning and they need to understand limits and expectations,” says Baumstein. Just as a child isn’t born knowing how to read a book, ride a bike or dress themselves, they have to learn how to respond to emotions and boundaries.

Collaborate and delegate suggests Elizabeth M. Ellis, Ph.D., author of “Raising a Responsible Child” and Atlanta therapist. “Children feel valued when they are asked to offer solutions to problems. Older children feel respected, though they may grumble, when tasked with helping a younger child with homework while mom gets dinner on the table.” Working together in these ways can take things off of your plate.

Think about what you are trying to teach your child long-term when it comes to behavior and processing emotions, like stress. “If you react in the moment without intention, chances are you are not modeling the behavior you want them to use,” says Baumstein. “And, you are adding to everyone’s stress.”

In these moments, she advises taking a minute away from the situation to think about how you want to handle it.

Another element of parenting stress to consider is being on the same page with your partner. “Two adults won’t agree on everything when it comes to parenting,” says Baumstein. “That’s OK but be sure you are aligned on the big picture things like values and goals for your child.”

When you do disagree, have a calm conversation when the kids aren’t present and you aren’t in the middle of a stressful situation, so you can truly take turns talking and listening.

“Keep in mind that there are professionals to help,” says Baumstein. “If the relationship between you and your partner is suffering or the parent/child relationship is struggling, sometimes asking for help is the best way to move forward.”

Let’s Talk Tantrums

As parents, we have all witnessed a tantrum. Whether it is in the aisle at the store, before bed time or during snack time because a piece of the granola bar broke off, the stress of these situations can be a daily occurrence. But what makes the stress level so high?

Embarrassment. “When we feel embarrassed, the instinct will be to shut down whatever is happening as soon as possible,” says Baumstein. “For the future of your kid, try to make an intentional choice in the moment and tolerate the discomfort.”

The most important thing to remember when it comes to tantrums, which is also sometimes the hardest, is that you child isn’t having a tantrum to upset or embarrass you.

“Two things can be true,” says Baumstein. “You can be frustrated and overwhelmed and your child can be frustrated and overwhelmed in the same moment. You can be a good parent and have a good kid and stress can still happen. Parenting is hard – you are doing your best and so are they.”

Tantrums are hard for kids, too. They happen when a child cannot express their frustration – aka stress – verbally. Baumstein recommends being firm without being mean and validating their experience while setting limits on behavior.

Even once the situation has calmed down, talk about it and process it later when everyone is calm. If your child is too young to express their feelings in a conversation, use books or play to mimic the event and help them normalize the feelings while teaching them skills for managing stress.

As kids get older, tantrums can take on a different appearance: slamming doors or stomping away. The reasons for these actions are usually bigger than not getting a toy at Target. Having a fight with a friend, feeling left out or worrying about a test are all stressors older children experience. The key here is not to make assumptions.

“Ask open ended questions and actively listen,” says Baumstein. “Use phrases like: ‘tell me more about that’  and ‘what I heard you say is.’ We want to fix their pain, but we need to just help them through it. Teach them to tolerate stress. Keep the conversation open and safe. Let them lead and be a support.”

Top Tips for Managing Stress

• Embrace proactive strategies. Getting enough sleep, physical activity, proper nutrition and connecting with loved ones are basic tools for reducing stress. “These are the things we know, but when we get busy, they are the first things to go,” says Baumstein. “These should be non-negotiable.”
• Don’t overschedule yourself or your kids. “Let the children have a say in what activities they do or do not want to do,” says Ellis. “This will be an early life lesson in stress management for them as well.” She also recommends having a family calendar that everyone can see and review together, so kids know what to expect on a daily basis. “Overscheduled kids often feel an underlying pressure to compete, to excel, to be perfect, to not disappoint their parents. Help them manage stress and anxiety by doing less.”
• Slow down and recognize feelings. When you feel stressed, stop and notice. Allow the feeling. Try to determine the reason and then solve it with compassion. “If your internal dialogue is something like this – I’m pretty edgy after scrolling on social media – maybe take a break for a few weeks and see what happens,” says Baumstein. “Notice what you feel and recommend similar strategies for your children.”
• Ask for help. No one can do it all. Share carpool duties with a neighbor, divide household chores, leave the mess for tomorrow, talk to a therapist. “Give yourself permission to say no,” says Baumstein. “You don’t have to make an excuse.”
• Let go of expectations for perfection. It is OK to be a “good enough” parent. Self-care is important for parents to practice and for children to witness. “I look at parenting from a historical and anthropological perspective,” says Ellis. “Never in our history, and not in any other country around the world, is so much expected from parents, especially mothers, than is expected today, particularly in educated, affluent homes. They are impossible, even inappropriate, standards. Every family is different. It is enough to aim toward fulfilling a few of those standards, the ones you do well, and let the rest go.”

-Tali Benjamin