How to Talk to Kids About Tragedy

As a society, we tend to shy away from discussing things that make us uncomfortable or sad. These “off-limit” subjects often include sex, money and death. But, as parents, it is important to understand how to approach conversations around difficult topics, especially death, as it is an inevitable part of life.

The news and social media amplify stories of tragedies in our country like school shootings and natural disasters, as well as accidents and those who lose their battles with illness. Knowing how to address your child’s fear around safety and death are paramount for protecting their mental health.

Addressing Safety Concerns

According to the K‑12 School Shooting Database, there were 254 school shooting incidents last school year in the U.S. So, it’s no wonder that children (and parents) may have concerns about safety at school.

Now that the school year is underway, keep the lines of communication open. “This is first and foremost,” says Melissa Brymer, Ph.D., Psy.D. who is the director of the Terrorism & Disaster Program for the UCLA/Duke University National Center for Child Traumatic Stress and a researcher with the David Geffen School of Medicine, UCLA. “Start the conversation with, let’s check in about the good parts of your day. Then, ask: Did anything happen that was stressful or caused anxiety?”

This will open the door for your child to share information with you daily. “Some kids have social concerns. Some kids have safety concerns,” says Brymer. “Many times, there are warning signs of a school shooting, so having these conversations can be preventative and also help us teach kids to cope with day‑to‑day stresses.”

It is crucial that your child knows it is OK to talk about their concerns. If you hear about a violent event while your child is at school, don’t avoid the subject when they get home. “This is especially true for older kids with social media,” says Brymer. You can approach things gently with probing questions, such as: did you hear about news today while you were at school? What did you hear? How does that make you feel?

“The goal isn’t to provide every detail, but to create a safe space for your child to ask questions and feel heard,” says Marti Munford, LPC, NCC with Anxiety Specialists of Atlanta. “Let them know it’s OK to talk about things that feel confusing or scary, and that they can always come to you when they need help making sense of the world.”

Another way to illustrate your support is to model with your own behavior. “Kids pick up on our reactions,” says Munford. “So it’s OK to say, ‘It makes me sad or worried, too,’ and tell them how you’ve been coping yourself.”

If your child says they don’t want to go to school at all because of news related to a school shooting, ask what would make him feel safer. “Come to the conversation with curiosity,” says Brymer. Ask, “what can we do to help with this circumstance?”

“While staying home might feel safer in the moment, it can actually increase a child’s worry,” explains Munford. “Let them know schools take many steps to keep students safe such as drills, secure entrances and trained staff. You can also remind them that, while the news is scary, these events are still very rare. You can use metaphors such as going over safety protocols before flying in an airplane or wearing a seatbelt when riding in a car. We practice those things every time, even though most of the time we get where we’re going safely.”

Some children may have anxiety about safety measures themselves, especially security guards on campus and drills. “If you check in daily, this can be a part of that regular conversation,” says Brymer. “We want to help our kids not worry, so validate their feelings and then use reassuring language such as ‘Just because we practice doesn’t mean the school is unsafe. It’s to help us know what to do in case of an emergency.’”

The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine published a report in August for best practices during emergency drills on recommendations for limiting negative social/emotional impact for students. One of the key findings for schools to consider is discontinuing unannounced active shooter or hard lockdown drills. “We don’t want to deceive children and make them anxious for no reason during a drill,” says Brymer, who was on the study committee. “The whole point of drills is to learn skills, so if a child is too emotional to absorb that information, the drill has done more harm than good.”

While agencies are working on this larger issue, you can also give your child strategies for situations that can elicit fear. If your child says she feels nervous during a lockdown drill, suggest they stand or sit near a friend. Help him practice breathing exercises that can calm him in the moment. Give her time and space to share the experience with you after school.“One of the most powerful tools we can give kids is an understanding of how anxiety works,” says Munford. “When kids understand what’s happening in their brain and body during anxious moments, they often feel less overwhelmed by it. You can explain that anxiety is the brain’s alarm system: it’s there to protect us, but sometimes it goes off even when we’re actually safe. Just knowing that can boost resilience.”

– Tali Benjamin