How to End the “Butler Mom” Cycle

Mom, Can You Please Bring Me My Homework?

That text message was sent by my eighth-grade son. Out of my three kids, he isn’t even the worst offender for forgetting things. His twin sister easily won that prize by texting me to bring her forgotten items twice as often as he did.

“I’m on my way,” I responded.

My twins will be 14 soon and as much as I hate to admit it, this had to end. I knew I needed to devise a plan to wean them (and me) off of “mom butler services.”

The reason I use the word “wean” is because I’m not the type of person who can just jump into a cold pool. I’m the one who wades in gradually while at my own moderate pace.

When my twins were in first grade, the school phone number popped up on the caller ID. And I did what any parent does when they see the school phone number — I panicked. Are they hurt? Are they sick? Are they in trouble? I expected to hear the voice of the principal or a teacher or any type of authority figure but instead, the sound of a 6-year-old girl’s voice emitted through the speaker.

“Mom, can you please bring me my homework?”

“Of course, sweetie, I’ll be right over.”

And so, it began.

Before I drove to the school that first time, my husband said, “Don’t bring it to her.”

Really? He was the “yes man.” The one who allows our kids to climb up that steep wobbling ladder attached to an equally steep slide. He’s the guy that buys them more than $50 worth of Movie Theater candy because he doesn’t want to say, “no, you can’t have all of that.” Does he really want me to say “no” to something like this?

“She needs to learn to remember to bring it and you bringing her homework doesn’t help her do that. If you bring it to her, she learns that her mom will always bail her out,” he said.

My first reaction to this was, “What is wrong with her thinking her mom will always bail her out?” After giving it more thought, I knew he was right.

I just couldn’t say “no” though. Instead, my mama-bear instinct kicked in and I had to protect her from getting into trouble, so I brought her homework to the school. And I continued to do so when any of my three children called because they forgot their jacket, lunch or gym clothes. I couldn’t let them freeze, starve or not participate.

Two years ago, I read an article about how a Catholic boys’ school posted a sign on the door that said: If you are dropping off your son’s forgotten lunch, books, homework, equipment, etc., please TURN AROUND and exit the building. Your son will learn to problem-solve in your absence.

My initial thought was, “I wish our school posted that sign because then it would absolve me of my guilt if I didn’t bring it.” But at the same time, I wanted to be able to help my kids when they asked me for help.

Now that my twins are in eighth grade, my husband’s sentiments are starting to resonate stronger with me while my protective mama-bear instinct is slowly dissipating. I feel more like a mama bird who needs to nudge them out of that comfy well-insulated nest. In five years, they may be going to college. Unless they live at home, I won’t be able to bring their forgotten item to class for them. So, I created my own sign and taped it to the front door. It read:

I’m cautiously optimistic that this new plan will enable my kids to be more responsible and facilitate an early retirement for “Butler Mom.” I realize it is a growing process for all of us, and that I need to do it at my own moderate pace. There will likely be setbacks when they ask for a forgotten lunch (a mom’s worst fear is to have a starving child) but hopefully, we will be able to stay the course.

With any luck by the time they are in college, I will only have to drive there to see their smiling faces. Unless of course, they text me from an unknown number saying, “Mom, can you please bring me my phone?”

I would respond immediately, “I’m on my way.”

After all, I need to be able to call them.

-Cheryl Maguire