The Mom Load
Inside the invisible weight no one sees, but every mom feels
Popularized in 2015 by a Facebook group based in the UK, the term “mom load” has origins much older than a decade. Also known as the “mental load,” it refers to the invisible or behind-the-scenes pieces of parenting that, most often, are a mother’s role in the family. The COVID pandemic amplified the “mom load” and made it a more common topic.
Atlanta Parent spoke to some local experts on the subject, including therapists and social workers who also happen to be moms. Here’s what they had to say.
Mental and Emotional Labor – What does it look like?
Work that can’t physically be done isn’t any less grueling and, in some cases, can be more taxing. Things like knowing when camp registration opens and waking up at 3 a.m. just to be sure you’ll be logged on in time or mentally logging all the things that need to be done before a family vacation are quintessential “mom load” items.
“It’s carrying every schedule – medication, play dates, meals, school, camp, sleep, bathing – for my kids,” says Jill Lewis, mom of two boys and a psychotherapist who lives and works in Sandy Springs.
Other “mom load” tasks are tangible, like caring for the kids in the middle of the night when they need comforting, always having clothes that fit in the closet or being sure there’s toilet paper in the house.
And moms today have more to juggle than our moms did.
“The mental energy required of moms is so demanding,” says Tara Schoeller, a mom of five kids and licensed independent clinical social worker in Alpharetta. “Especially in the age of fast paced technology and information overload. It can be so time consuming and exhausting keeping up with the mental demands of emails, GroupMes, and apps from teachers, coaches and extracurriculars that our kids are involved in. By May of each school year, I am ready to throw my phone into the lake.”
The “mom load” is hard to ignore or put on a shelf because it is never-ending, no matter how young or old your children are.
“An often misunderstood factor of mental load is that often emotions are tied to cognitive labor, which is what makes it distressing and overwhelming. Mental load is present in every area of our lives, family, social, work, school meaning it never ends,” says Carson Schefstad, counselor and mom of two from Roswell. “Physical household labor, like chores, essentially end. If the yard needs to be cut, it is labor, but it is time constrained. Meaning, once it is done, the task is completed (at least for a week) and typically there are not many emotions tied to the task.”
Comparison and Competition – What is “good enough”?
Too often, moms find themselves comparing themselves to friends, their own experiences from growing up, and what they see on social media. Defining what “good enough” as a mother means to you can be difficult and may not be the same as your neighbor, sister or best friend.
“Good enough means just that,” says Schoeller. “You are good enough, exactly how you are and where you are in life. The demands to keep up with ‘all the things’ is just too demanding and not realistic.” She notes that mental health as parents is what matters most.
“Work with your strengths and weaknesses,” says Lewis. “Cooking and prepping food might be hard, so giving a lot of grace, making meals simple, ordering with a service, or meal prepping at the beginning of the week are things to consider,” says Lewis. “It doesn’t have to be perfect or fancy.
The idea that mom has to do it all can be divisive. Liz, a mom of an 8-year-old daughter in Brookhaven, has learned to delegate from time to time. Recently, for her daughter’s birthday party, she gave her husband a job that suited him and he excelled. “My husband does the yard work. I get the groceries, it works out,” she says. “Finding things we are both good at and enjoy helps us share the load more often.”
There are also the social and emotional repercussions of screen time and social media to consider for ourselves and our kids. “Be kind to yourself and set realistic expectations,” says Schefstad. “Practice self-compassion and get off social media.”
Lewis agrees that social media can be dangerous when it comes to comparing your parenting to that of others. “If our society would stop prioritizing fancy big birthday parties and creating images that life needs to be and look perfect, the mom load would be lessened,” she says.
With these feelings of pressure to be perfect comes “mom guilt.” Even, when logically we know we cannot be everywhere or everything to everyone all the time.
“Children are often more resilient, more capable and independent when we model imperfection and embracing our humanness,” says Schoeller. “We are all just doing our best, and we are imperfectly perfect moms! I often tell my children, ‘I might not always be the perfect Mom, but I am the perfect Mom for you.’”
Missing the occasional after-school activity or dinner time is okay. “I used to travel a lot for work, so I’ve had my share of mom guilt,” Liz says. “It’s important for our kids, especially girls, to see moms excel in our careers.”
Let go of the guilt and give yourself grace. Moms aren’t superheroes, even though culture teaches us we should be.
“Carrying guilt and shame contributes to the self-attack cycle, so it’s important to recognize you are doing as good as you can do right now,” says Lewis. “Also, only good moms carry guilt.”
The most important thing to keep in mind is that, no matter how you think you are or aren’t adding up, you are “good enough” to your children and that’s what really matters.
Managing the Mom Load
Here are some helpful strategies to incorporate into your daily life to minimize stress from the mental load.
Take a moment to catch your breath. “Find short breaks to give yourself a moment,” says Lewis. “Try to look at an overall calendar and then break it down day by day.”
Talk about your feelings. “Have an open conversation with your partner or other support network,” says Schefstad. “If possible, start early in marriage and maintain check-ins as responsibility grows in your family, including more children, adding a pet or aging parents.”
Turn off phones, school/kid-related apps and social media every summer. “Check your email and GroupMes once per day,” says Schoeller. “Limit text messaging time and turn on DO NOT DISTURB.”
Ask for help when you can. “This can be from a sitter you trust, a friend or group you connect with, or a therapist,” says Lewis.
Find a community. “Socialize outside of mothering with friends who share outside common interests,” says Schoeller.
Practice self-care. “It’s easier said than done, but I wake up at 5:30 to make sure I have time to enjoy quiet, have uninterrupted thought time, can work out and start the day off right,” says Schefstad.
Find a hobby or something outside of being a mom. “It feels hard but it is crucial,” says Lewis. “I just started improv!”
More tips for tackling the mom load:
- Exercise
- Get sleep
- Give your kids more responsibility
- Set boundaries
- Try not to compare or compete
- Cry when you need to
- Do something for you – take a nap, get a massage, go for a walk, have a dance party
Overcoming Isolation
Being a mom can feel lonely, especially if you are a single mom or have a partner who isn’t plugged in. These strategies can help support your mental health.
Normalize the hard. “The more people put out the perfect family image in the world, the more pressure mom’s feel,” says Lewis. “Let’s normalize that parenting is beyond exhausting and depleting, and we wouldn’t change it, but if we can share more, it will allow people to feel less alone.
Join groups. “There are a lot of mom groups via playdates at schools, social media groups, church, etc.,” says Schoeller. “I often found it helpful to have some older, more veteran moms to lean on when my kids were younger who could share wisdom and support.”
Find your tribe. During the pandemic, I texted with a set of friends every single day,” says Liz. “It gave us an outlet and we could share advice on how to deal with a situation. It helped you feel like you aren’t the only one experiencing challenging things.”
Be social. “Go on girls trips, go to dinner, invite people over, have playdates,” says Lewis.
Reach out and ask for help. “Get counseling, talk to your doctor about any lonely or depressed feelings. Be vulnerable and talk to family members and friends when you feel alone or isolated,” says Schoeller.
– Tali Benjamin
