Finding Their Path: Supporting Children with Autism

When my son was diagnosed with autism at age 7, I found myself in the psychologist’s office with a folder of resources and a mind full of questions. My daughter’s path was completely different — initially misdiagnosed, it wasn’t until she was 16 that we discovered she was actually autistic with language processing issues. Despite being an occupational therapist with pediatric experience, I felt alone, ill-prepared and like I knew just enough to know I knew nothing at all. Like many parents receiving these diagnoses, I couldn’t help but wonder: What will their lives look like as they grow older? Will they launch successfully into adulthood? How do I support them while helping them grow into their own people? In hindsight, I think I didn’t give myself enough credit for our approach, and I also wish I knew then what I know now. Today, my autistic son, George, is 22 and my autistic daughter, Grace, is 19. They both live at home and are making progress toward their goals every day and in their own ways.

Building Foundations in the Early Years

Long before the teen years, parents can begin laying groundwork for future independence. Learned helplessness, when people become dependent upon others as a result of being over-helped, is real for people with disabilities. So, when our kids were younger, we focused on preventing this as best we could by inviting them to develop confidence with small things: n They picked their own clothes. n They carried in groceries from the car. n They stacked firewood and shoveled snow (we lived up north). n They gradually increased participation in laundry, cooking and pet care. I learned the importance of being mindful about how I made requests, especially with my child who has Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) traits. Saying “I notice the trash needs to be taken out” rather than commanding “Take out the trash” made a world of difference in their willingness to participate and the emotional climate in the home. Above all else — no yelling. I tried to model selfregulation by being the “boss of myself ” as best I could. People with autism and ADHD have both a blessing and a curse of being very perceptive and sensitive to their environments. When I prioritize my own sleep, nutrition, movement and fun, everything runs more smoothly in our home. This foundation of respect and autonomy in the early years set the stage for navigating the greater independence challenges of adolescence.

The Teen Years: When Future Worries Intensify

As my children entered their teen years, questions about independence became more urgent. While other parents were teaching their kids to drive or watching them take on part-time jobs, I was still helping with basic executive function skills like organizing schoolwork, managing time and pre-adulting. In some ways, I noticed an inverse experience between my teens and neurotypical teens of my friends. My kids were super honest. They did their chores, their own laundry and sometimes prepared meals. But they struggled with social opportunities and s tretches towards independence. That’s when I realized they were getting stuck. What I’ve learned is critical: executive functions — skills like planning, organizing and self-regulation — often develop more slowly in autistic and ADHD brains. Many don’t reach full maturity until the late 20s or early 30s. Executive function is like having a secretary in the front of your brain responsible for understanding what’s important, paying attention to the right things, organizing, executing and controlling impulsive thoughts and actions. Understanding this developmental timeline helped me adjust my expectations. Instead of feeling behind, I recognized we were simply on a different path. My son’s high school years were marked by this tension between academic capability and executive function struggles. He could understand complex concepts but might forget to turn in assignments or become overwhelmed by multi-step projects and have off-the-charts anxiety.

Building Independence: The Fog and Headlights Approach

Parenting my autistic teens taught me a powerful metaphor that I now share with clients: when you’re driving in fog, turning on your high beams only makes visibility worse. Sometimes, we need to focus just on the next right step while holding our destination in soft focus on the GPS. With both George and Grace, we have structured weekly meetings where they drive the agenda and goals while I hold the “soft focus” of bigger objectives like college enrollment, driving and part-time employment. We use a simple “Goal, Plan, Do, Check” format from the book “Solving Executive Function Challenges: Simple Ways to Get Kids with Autism Unstuck & On Target.” n They set a Goal for the week that we co-create. n We develop a Plan for how they will accomplish it, anticipating barriers. n They Do the work independently. n We Check in during our weekly meetings to review progress. For George, we took a slower pace and implemented other accommodations. We emphasized that his trials in the adult world are experiments — a “let’s try and see” approach. Though he dislikes ambiguity, this seems to be working. Concurrently, we remind him that he will have to take classes he does not find interesting and may not see a direct connection to his final degree, something I’ve observed in many autistic students.

For Grace, who’s still in her teens, we’ve embraced an “unschooling” format. Our homeschooling is highly interest-based, with 90% of learning done around topics she’s passionate about. She demonstrates her understanding through conversation or art rather than conventional assessments. Setting up this structure and tweaking it as we move along has helped to empower them and keeps me sane by not having to constantly follow them around. They are both home and working towards their own goals. The temptation to fall back into the gravity of non-action is always present, despite their desire to succeed and become adults in the world. So, this external structure, combined with an understanding of our shared issues around executive function and safety, has been essential. Parenting with Trust In my own parenting, I’m continuously learning to trust my children’s development. Some days I worry: Am I giving them enough structure? Am I pushing independence at the right pace? I want my children to trust themselves. George’s blackand-white thinking — common in autism — sometimes makes navigating ambiguity difficult. But I also see how this same trait gives him remarkable clarity in certain situations. He is currently working with vocational rehabilitation to find employment and recently shared his anxiety about the changes ahead. “I’m worried about making the wrong choice,” George said. “I don’t even know where to start with something this big.” I’ve found that the message “I trust you to find your way” builds more confidence than any system I could create for him.

Embracing Your Authentic Family

I’m still in process on this journey. I have by no means “figured it out,” but I’ve moved far enough along to know that I have evolved from where I started. I needed to recognize and release my internalized expectations of “normal” again and again, getting closer to acceptance and even celebration of how absolutely perfect my children are.

Let go of societal norms you’ve carried as a parent: “we should all be eating at the table;” “we should have less screen time;” “we should be exercising more.” Pick one priority and work on it as a family. Be open and delighted as your family creates its own norms.

People have the right to self-determine — that includes you, your spouse and your children. There is no playbook; our kids don’t follow culturally normed timelines, and even within autism communities, they move at their own pace. I’ve learned that consistently pushing autistic people well outside their safe spaces, with no sense of building internal capacity to self-regulate, makes them reach adulthood exhausted and burnt out, feeling shame for stimming, spinning, rocking, or sitting in their rooms with the lights out watching their favorite anime.

Practical Parenting Strategies

Early Years (Ages 2-7): Start building independence early with age-appropriate choices. Let children pick their clothes, participate in simple household tasks, and honor their need for sensory regulation.

Middle Childhood (Ages 8-12): Communicate mindfully with indirect requests for children with demand sensitivity. Create structures that incorporate their interests and passions.

Teen Years (Ages 13-17): Understand that executive function may develop more slowly. Use the “fog and headlights” approach — focus on the next right step rather than the distant future.

Young Adulthood (18+): Help them develop self-determined structures that work for their unique brains. Support their autonomy while remaining available for guidance.

For Parents at All Stages:

• Monitor your own regulation — your autistic child picks up on your stress
• Find your support team beyond the nuclear family n Be gentle on yourself, your children and your partner
• No yelling — model self-regulation by being the “boss of yourself”
• Prioritize “bottom-up” regulation before expecting academic or social progress
• Remember there’s no single timeline — celebrate your family’s unique journey

– Kristen Santos is a registered occupational therapist, ADHD coach and rehabilitation therapist at Capstone Counseling and Coaching.