Pile It On! Tips for Surviving in The Sandwich Generation

Sandwiches. I like to eat them, but I am not sure I like being compared to one. That said, it is quite an apt metaphor for the position I often find myself in — directly between the needs of my child and the needs of my aging parents and in-laws.

Some days, I am simply a condiment — the mayo or mustard that loosely holds together a well-constructed sandwich, adding some flavor and structure to the sandwich. Other days, I feel more  like the peanut butter and jelly haphazardly slathered on two pieces of squishy bread — jumbled and sticky. And, on the bad days, I am the hot, squishy cheese of a grilled sandwich that is starting to lose its shape under the pressure of intense needs from both sides at precisely the same time.

The shift between sandwich types for me is situational since there are physical, mental and emotional components to each scenario. For instance, being aware of text scams and remembering to pass this information along to my parents so they don’t click on a link and unwittingly give access to an online account is a small thing, but it is a constant part of my mental load. This is a spicy mustard moment.

Then, there are larger needs. A parent (or two) is in the hospital. You still have work responsibilities, your child still has school and activities, everyone needs meals. You want to visit the hospital, bring food to the parent who is home, be available to speak with the doctors to understand what is happening, and plan for what comes next. Emotions creep in — worry, sadness, hope. Physical symptoms manifest — stress, exhaustion, anxiety. This, my friends, is a five-cheese grilled cheese moment.

I know I am not alone. That is, after all, why they call us “The Sandwich Generation.” With all the demands on your time, how can you manage it all and leave a little space between the lettuce and tomatoes for yourself? Here are five things that have worked for me.

Create a schedule. Prioritize the most important needs first and see what things have to wait until the following week. Remember that it’s OK for not everything to happen right away.

Divide and conquer. Can your spouse carry some of the load with your kids? Do you have siblings that live in town who can help with your parents? Are there support services you can take advantage of?

Set boundaries. Protect one thing per week that is crucial for your mental health. Maybe that’s having family dinner on Friday nights because it’s tradition or driving your child to swim practice because that’s when you learn the most about her life. Understand your employer’s policy for family medical leave and ask for time off, flexible hours or remote work accordingly.

Take time for yourself. Getting burned out can happen faster than you might think, so build in some self-care, even a quick break can help. Download a meditation app to help relax. Call a close friend or join a support group to get some thoughts and feelings off your chest.

Communicate. Be open and honest, in an age-appropriate way, with your kids about what is happening so they know why you are home less often and why your fuse might be shorter than usual. Talk to your parents about their medical wishes, finances and plans for long-term care. These conversations can be tough, but they are crucial. Ask for help from a spouse, sibling or friend when you need it.

-Tali Benjamin