Communicating With Teens: How to Build Trust, Encourage Honest Conversations and Stay Connected

If you’ve ever asked a tween or teen, “How was your day?” only to hear “Fine,” you’re not alone. As children grow older and become more independent, conversations often become shorter, even as the challenges they face become more complex. While it may feel like they’re pulling away, the teen years are actually one of the most important times to strengthen your connection.

“Open communication is the vehicle for conveying care, concern, love, trust, availability, and safety,” says Cari Newman, Atlanta-based certified parent coach. “In a world where our kids are constantly bombarded with aggressive, persuasive, and caustic words and images, a ‘communication haven’ at home is like a balm.”

There are practical reasons for modeling proper communication with kids such as being able to plan or problem solve. When so many conversations happen via text message, having meaningful chats builds life skills and self-confidence.

Another big one is teaching them how to communicate with others, including how to respectfully disagree with someone else. “It’s totally normal, expected and even healthy for kids and parents to disagree,” says Newman. “The key is learning how to get your point across without eviscerating the other person.”

Overcoming Awkward Moments

It is inevitable that at some point a conversation with your tween or teen will make you feel uncomfortable. It might be when you need to discuss body changes. It could be when they come to you with an unexpected question. It is important to handle these situations with grace and understanding to maintain the trust and ensure she will come back for another conversation when needed. It is also good to remember that by validating or normalizing a topic, it doesn’t mean you agree; it is simply a show of support.

If you are caught unprepared, take some time to set the stage. Newman recommends saying something like, “I am really grateful that you trust me and feel comfortable asking me anything. I’m glad you know you can come to me, no matter what. About your question, it makes sense to be curious about that. I think a lot of people wonder about it.”

Before answering directly, ask your child what made him think of this. “It’s helpful to know where the topic is coming from so you can double-check that they’re safe online and with friends,” says Newman. Then determine what they already know. These steps help slow the conversation down and give you insight on how to navigate the next parts of the conversation. Building trust, creating opportunities for meaningful conversations, and showing up as a steady, judgment-free presence can help your child feel comfortable turning to you when it matters most.

This is also true when conversations need to happen around breaking a rule or differing perspectives on family values. “It’s really common for kids to do, say, or think something that goes against your family’s values or rules,” says Newman. “Do the very best you can to understand what your child thinks, means, and why she believes her ideas to be true, even if it’s hard to tolerate.”

Do not avoid the issue, but remaining open will prevent your child from shutting down and potentially avoiding tough topics in the future. “If you find that you’re overcome by the need to answer back point-by-point, jot down some notes so you remember what you want to say without interrupting,” suggests Newman. “Ask for a break if you need one.” This models good behavior for them while preventing an escalation in the moment.

“Remember, you don’t have to be prepared for any conversation at any time,” says Newman. “You can hit the pause button if something comes up at an inopportune time or if you need to gather your thoughts. You can say, ‘I’m glad you asked me, and I need a little time to think. Can we talk again after dinner?’”

The goal of open communication with your children is creating an opportunity for everyone to express their ideas within a relationship that can handle being stretched. Because, as Newman notes, “the relationship matters more than ‘winning’ any one conversation.”

Hit the Restart Button

If communication between you and your teen has already started to go downhill, don’t give up! “It’s never too late to hit the restart button, but it does take dedication to learning new ways of communicating,” says Newman.

Sometimes this process can be simple. Tell your teen that you want to try harder to have open communication and you are sorry that things have been difficult. “It can be a powerful thing to model humility for your children,” says Newman. “If they can trust you to own up to your mistakes when you make them, they might be more likely to do the same.”

For families who are unsure of how to get back on track, it can be helpful to bring in a neutral party to guide the restart. A therapist or parenting coach can facilitate the first few conversations and give everyone the tools to use at home.

Put on Your Listening Ears

Listening is the key to open and honest communication, especially in emotionally charged conversations. “This is not the listening that we all do when we’re secretly waiting for our turn to talk, where we interrupt to make a point, or where we mentally keep track of everything the other person is wrong about,” says Newman. “Deep listening allows you to try to fully understand the other person without having any desire to shape, convince, or influence.”

Newman recommends these four steps when it’s time for deep listening.

Listen- Use your ears and eyes, watch your body language, and make gentle bids for more information by asking open-ended questions.

Reflect- Summarize or repeat the gist of what they said and ask, “Did I get that right?” This shows your teen that you were really listening and clears up any misunderstandings right away.

Normalize- Empathize by saying things like, “That sounds really hard,” or validate (even if you don’t agree) by saying a version of, “I can see why you feel the way you feel.”

Clarify- Instead of jumping in to give your opinion or solution, ask what HE is looking for. Are you just there to listen or does he want advice?