What Adult Screen Time Says to Kids

You’re drafting an important email when your phone lights up in your peripheral vision.

You’re in the grocery line with a minute to spare, so you reach for a quick scroll.

You’re at the park with your kids — while they play, you check your email…then open a game.

These moments feel small, almost automatic. But they add up.

We’re quick to tell our kids they have too much screen time — but are we setting the right example when it comes to our own digital habits?

Why does it matter?

“The way a parent uses the phone establishes norms for screen use in the family,” says Stan Sonu, MD, medical director for child advocacy at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. “Children learn the most from and mimic the habits of those closest to them, which is typically their parents. The average parent can step back and appreciate that too much screen time isn’t a good thing, but we struggle to create healthy usage habits.”

Many aspects of smartphones and apps are very deliberately designed to keep you using them as much as possible. The rewards and notifications systems used can impact normal brain pathways, creating a false sense of happiness or urgency that users must actively resist.

“We crave that stimulus,” says Sonu. “We don’t see the impact in real time, but there are unintended consequences that create conditions of relational deserts over time.”

Sonu notes that this communication deficit often comes to a head in adolescence. “Tweens and teens have bigger problems that require close relationship foundations for strong communication,” he says. “When kids have been taught over time that the phone takes precedence to face-to-face conversations, that can be hard to overcome.”

Screen usage can also have negative effects on romantic relationships. “If every time my wife talks to me, I am looking at my screen, she may feel I am not listening to her or I value whatever is happening on my phone more than her,” says Sonu. “If there are two parents in the home, have conversations about usage of technology in front of the kids and each other to avoid relationship challenges among spouses.”

6 Strategies for Success

Here are ideas for how you can manage your own screen time habits.

“Brick” or “grayscale” your phone. The idea behind this method is that making your phone less appealing — boring like a brick — will make you less tempted to pick it up in the first place. You can achieve this by changing your phone’s display, so that apps, texts and home screens appear in black and white.

Establish “no phone zones/times.” This is a whole family strategy. Create spaces and times where and when phones and other electronic devices are not allowed to be used. Ideal scenarios are during meals, at bedtime and in the car. “If you are at the table and a parent is on the phone, and that’s acceptable to the family, the child will think the behavior is acceptable,” says Sonu.

Reduce triggers. Turn off app notifications and badges. Put your phone on do not disturb during meals or while driving so your conversations won’t be interrupted. Log out of social media daily to decrease the temptation to doomscroll.

Create distance between yourself and your device. When you are at your desk working, keep your phone in a drawer or in a bag. While you’re watching TV or playing a game with the kids, keep your phone in the kitchen. “When a dad is looking down at his phone, he is unavailable for interaction with his child,” says Sonu. “That is a fast-track for generational disconnection. These missed opportunities for conversation and relationship building stack up over time.”

Replace screen time with a more productive and healthy activity. Use the 15 minutes of afternoon scrolling to take a walk or do a quick workout. Read a book — a physical one if you can. Find hobbies that occupy your hands like cooking, drawing, doing puzzles or woodworking.

Build your self-awareness muscle. Pay attention to when you reach for your phone and why. Ask yourself: How do I feel when I feel compelled to look at the phone? “We have to be OK with silence and solitude,” says Sonu. “Decide that while I am walking into the building, I am going to walk without my phone. While you walk, notice what it looks like outside, what the temperature is.” Little things like this can build power to direct attention where we want it to go. “This is an ongoing challenge to address,” he says.

-Tali Benjamin