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 by Tali Toland Spotlight on Communication The key to answering any question when it comes to your tween or teen is communication. What? Communicate with the kid who lives in your house, slams doors and rarely mutters more than “Yeah”? Yes – communicate. Know your child’s fears, comfort levels and always explain yourself – “because I said so” is not an effective or acceptable reason. If you create the environment for an open relationship from a young age, your child will want to talk to you about his or her feelings. “The big issue is what’s happening in the peer group around children,” explains Diane Levin, author of So Sexy, So Soon. “It’s not just about an age, it’s also about communicating and acting together to help children take on issues responsibly.” Since a big portion of teen rebellion is about power, making decisions together as parent and child can prevent arguments and acting out. When your child comes to you with “I want to pierce my nose,” take the opportunity to engage your teen in meaningful conversation. Ask, “What do you think is involved with getting your nose pierced? What are the laws about you doing that?” “This practice will help you determine if it’s something your teen really wants before you make a flat statement,” explains Kathleen Allen, a licensed counselor with Kid’s Health First Pediatric Alliance of Atlanta. Once you decide on an answer, either as a family or as a parent, keeping communication open is key, says Levin. If a scenario arises because of social pressures, make sure your child understands the parameters of the privilege he or she is requesting. For example, your 11-year-old daughter comes home and says, “Jenny is wearing makeup now.” You say, “How does everyone else feel about it? Why do you think she’s doing it?” This makes your daughter think about if she really wants to do it, and if so, you can discuss with her what’s appropriate for her age and why. Allen warns to be prepared. “Teens don’t always want to talk. Don’t force it. They may storm off, but be patient, things will come around.” She also suggests bringing up uncomfortable conversations in the car. “Kids don’t feel as much pressure since you’re not looking at them,” says Allen. Parenting is an ongoing process, and as your kids get older your questions will change from what’s the best age for solid foods and potty training to what’s the best age for your child to get a cell phone and when to have the dreaded “talk.” To help with the basics, we talked to some experts and local moms. Here’s what they had to say about specific issues that are bound to haunt your teen-filled life.
Cell Phones Her reasoning is solid, according to our experts. Kathleen Allen, a licensed counselor with Kid’s Health First Pediatric Alliance of Atlanta, says there’s no set age to determine when your child is ready for a cell phone – some kids may have one at age 8 or 9. “Look at the child’s maturity level and the circumstances,” she says. If she is not ready, explain that contact can happen via the house phone. If your child is younger, make sure her phone doesn’t include Internet access and texting. “Limitations on settings or a pre-paid phone helps younger kids with responsibility,” says Allen. “Most middle-schoolers aren’t ready for all aspects of cell phones.” But when your child is ready for a cell
phone, be upfront about expectations – let
them know how often they can talk or text,
when it’s OK to be on the phone and when
it’s not. “In our culture, once a child is a
teen, cell phones are a part of life – so it
comes down to what limits will be set and
learning responsibility,” says Diane Levin,
author of So Sexy, So Soon. Staying Home Alone Legal facts aside, Levin says letting kids practice being responsible is important. “Parents have an issue with separation because we’re so afraid [our kids] won’t be safe,” she says. “There don’t need to be unsafe risks, but some risks – like staying home alone when a support system is in place – are OK.” Stone Mountain mom Karen Harper thinks a
support system is important for both her and
the kids. “We have stay-at-home neighbors
that are retired, so leaving the kids at
home doesn’t make me as nervous,” she says.
“My 12-year-old can stay home alone for
about two hours, but not at night.” Group Dating Grayson mom Trish Dobbs says her 12-year-old son won’t be doing that until he’s 15. “If the parent is going to be at the movies or the mall too, maybe 14 would be OK,” she says. Twelve seems young to Williams, but she says she was going off in groups at that age. “If they’re taught what is safe and what isn’t – if you’ve done your job, they should be fine,” she says. She does note that she wouldn’t feel as comfortable if it were at night, and that an hour or two is plenty of time for a “group date.” Our experts say the key is to make sure your teen knows how to be safe and won’t succumb to peer pressure. “Role play with them,” says Allen. “Think of things that may happen and get them to tell you how they would handle the situation.” If you like the answer, your child may be ready for a group outing. Allen also recommends getting to know
your child’s friends – this will make you
more relaxed because you know what these
kids will and won’t do. “Make your house the
spot they want to hang out,” she says. “It’s
an easy way to pick up on the kids’ habits,
and then you can weed out the bad seeds.”
Dating No matter what age you opt for, talk to
your teens about the date first. “Stress
that safety is your major concern,” says
Allen. “For boys and girls – explain the
importance of relationships.” And be
upfront: You want to meet the date. Ask
questions: “Where are you going? Who are you
going to be with besides your date? How can
I contact you?” Set a curfew. Allen’s rule
of thumb on picking a dating age: “When you
feel comfortable with your child being able
to stay safe, they’re ready to date.” Makeup That is the best lesson she can offer, says Levin. “Objectifying is becoming more a part of young girls’ images of themselves,” she says. “‘What I look like measures my worth’ is a huge part of child culture.” Intense makeup – eyeliner, dark lipstick,
blush – can make young girls appear older.
“This is scary because it can make others
think they are more ready emotionally for
more mature relationships,” says Allen.
“Girls develop really quickly these days, so
your 11-year-old wearing lip gloss isn’t a
big deal, but wait for your daughter’s
maturity to catch up with her looks before
going beyond that.” “The Talk” “You want to try to have the talk before puberty – before the first period in girls,” says Allen. “You need to prepare them for what will be happening to their bodies.” She recommends having “the talk” by age 9 or 10. If your child is showing an interest in his body or someone else’s, even if he’s 8 or so, talk about it, says Levin. “Ask questions to see what they already know or what they think [so you can] figure out what they are trying to know. You don’t have to give the whole story every time, but give enough to be the safe place and know they don’t have to be ashamed to ask.” Allen agrees. “Kids want the answer to their one question,” she explains. “They’ll digest that information and come back with a second question.” Allen recommends taking time with this conversation – make it respectful, use books to explain their sexuality. “Sit down with no distractions and talk to them.” In addition to letting mom explain periods to her daughter, having an opposite sex talk is very beneficial, says Allen. “Have dad talk to daughter – he knows where guys are coming from,” she says. “Watch for body language during these conversations. If you notice your child looks uncomfortable, ask them if they want to have the talk later. But let them know it’s important and that you’re there to answer questions and talk.”
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