by Allyson Bower-Willner
Linda and Nora have been neighbors and best
friends since before they had children. Both are
happily married. But now their friendship is
suffering under the tension of the opposing choices
they’ve made after becoming mothers.
 Nora has two small children, a successful career,
and a nanny. She tried staying at home and then a
part-time career before choosing to work full-time
again. But she is still struggling with the emotions
related to her choices.
The comments from my friends who are stay-at-home
moms really bother me sometimes. My dearest friend
Linda sometimes says things like, “My children
really need me at home right now,” which I find
insulting since I choose to work.
I’ve worked and trained for a long time to get to
where I am in my career, although I’ve made
countless career concessions to be able to balance
my work and my family. The mommy track isn’t perfect
either, but at least I’m not giving up entirely.
I love when my daughter hands me her baby doll,
throws her purse over her shoulder and says, “Would
you please watch my baby for me while I go to work?”
I feel like I’m helping her to recognize that women
have choices.
When my daughter started having some aggression
problems, we worked closely with our nanny to
resolve it. I researched approaches, wrote up our
strategy, and gave copies to preschool teachers,
nanny, neighbors, grandparents, etc. Since our
approach was consistent, we were able to end the
behavior pretty quickly.
No one I’m close to has ever had a nanny before. My
nanny sometimes takes my children to events on the
weekend, just because they really enjoy one
another’s company. I get strange comments like,
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but your nanny is
much more of a mother than I’d be comfortable with.”
Or, “Your nanny really seems to overstep the
boundaries of a nanny-child relationship.” I think
we’re fortunate because my nanny loves my children
so much that she spends time with them even if she’s
not being paid for it.
To me, what’s important in parenting is that
children learn how to have consistent, loving,
positive relationships from role models. My nanny
gives them a third positive and consistent
influence. I don’t think that the love children have
to give is finite – any love they have for my nanny
is not love taken away from my husband and me. They
just love and are loved even more.
The time I get with the children now is great. Of
course, there are some errands involved, but
generally our time together is wonderful since my
errands can be handled at lunch or on the way to or
from work. When I was at home full time, I feel like
all I did was rush to get them dressed, fed and out
of the house to run errands. I didn’t feel like we
had much quality time. I don’t think my children are
missing out in our current arrangement.
But I do have moments during the day that I long to
be with the children. Although logically I know just
being out on an errand or asleep could make me miss
“firsts” as easily as work, I wish I could be there
for each one. Sometimes I’m disappointed in my
career now. If I’d continued on the career path I
was on before I had children, I’d be earning more
and be more challenged at work. But I can’t justify
the demands of that job now because I need a lot of
flexibility.
Linda has two small children and has decided to
devote her time entirely to them until they are both
in school. Like Nora, she is also struggling with
the emotions inherent in mothering.
I love my friend Nora and I wish I could help her
understand that her children aren’t going to be this
small forever. Her husband already makes enough
money so that she doesn’t have to work. I miss my
career, but I think I would miss my children more if
I weren’t with them every day. Having children is
hard work, and I don’t feel like I can do it well if
I’m distracted by a career outside the home. Taking
a break from my career doesn’t seem like such a big
deal when I feel like there’s so much to be gained.
My mother stayed at home until we went to school,
and I’m glad she did. She was always there for us,
and now my siblings and I are very confident people.
I want my children to get that from me. They need
me. I want to be the person that knows them better
than anyone else. I feel sorry that Nora is missing
so much of her children’s lives. When her second
child rolled over for the first time, she was not
there to see it. I couldn’t bear missing such
milestones.
Just like my friend Nora, we’ve had some aggression
issues. My son was biting and I am so glad I didn’t
have to rely on anyone else to resolve it. It makes
me uncomfortable to think of how someone else might
have dealt with this problem. I wouldn’t have wanted
anyone else to get frustrated with him.
It seems to me that a rigorous schedule could
interfere with giving my children what they need.
Sometimes flexibility really improves our lives as a
family. For example, this morning my son asked me if
we could go to the park so that he could practice
his swinging. We were trying to keep a schedule and
rushing to get ready. But I stopped myself and
thought, Why am I doing this? I was able to change
my plans to give him something he really wanted. The
rest of the day was wonderful, and I attribute it to
being flexible. If I had to be at work, we might not
have been able to focus on what he needed.
By dealing more with the trials and tribulations of
daily life with children, I believe I can establish
a stronger foundation in my relationship with my
children. Doing chores and running errands together
provides countless opportunities to teach them about
life in our society. I try to teach them how to
resolve problems all day long. I’m devoting the
energy I would have spent on work-related issues on
helping my children grow.
Children learn their language skills from us. I try
to use new words and point out things they might not
otherwise notice. I don’t have to wonder if the
child is trying to tell me something that he learned
somewhere else. I know almost everything my children
have experienced. If I were working outside of the
home, I might not be able to be as consistent. I
think being home with them helps me be a better
teacher.
However, I have lost a bit of my identity. I lived a
“jet-setting” lifestyle before my first child was
born, and I do miss it. I feel less worldly, but I
think that it’s a worthwhile sacrifice. I’m also not
as secure as I was before children. It seems like
other parents talk about my son and me behind our
backs. I don’t feel as welcomed at certain events. I
question conversations with my friends like Nora. I
never did that before we had children. I suspect I
feel this way because I’m less confident in the
“adult” world since leaving my career.
Can Nora and Linda Remain Friends?
In short, yes! But who has made the right choice
for the children? Not surprisingly, the answer is
that both did the right thing for their families –
working or staying at home is a very individual
choice. Happy parents raise happy children.
The problem with Linda and Nora, like lots of us, is
the need to justify our decision to our friends,
family, neighbors and, most importantly, ourselves.
In doing so, although it might not be intentional,
we sometimes insult our friends who have made
different choices. It becomes a vicious cycle that
can’t seem to resolve itself.
I say make the different choices a positive in your
friendship. Linda and Nora could both use input
about one another’s daily successes and failures to
assess whether they’ve made the right choices for
themselves.
As mothers, we must realize that we’re all in this
together. All of us give our children everything we
can to help them fulfill their potential. When we’re
feeling judgmental, we’re usually just exposing
insecurities about our own choices. Questioning our
own choices with friends is usually more productive
than questioning theirs.
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